Happiness

Happiness is something that I've had the majority of my life. I have had moment and days of dispair or sadness or fear but for the most part, most of my life has been happy.
I define happiness as a peace within your soul.
No one can make you happy.
Its not a person, or a car, or a job, or a house or property or town that makes you truly happy.
Those things can ADD to your happiness, but to have true peace and happiness it comes from with in. And once you find that peace, those other contributions begin to fall in to place.
A few years ago, When I met Luke, things had just begun to fall in to place, I had come to a sense of peace in my soul and in my heart. I had an "awakening" moment with God. A moment where I felt a lot of anxiety and fear and anger and sadness with wher emy life was in that moment, I cried out to God and suddenly felt a sense of peace. He told me, what are you anxious about? Everything is fine! You are fine!
"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
And in the months after that, everything was fine and great and perfect. And though we have had an uphill climb to get to where we are now, at times, it has been beautiful.

I have learned that to have the innerpeace, the inner happiness, it has NOTHING to do with the house we live in, or whether or not we own or rent. It has nothing at all to do with the town we live in, or the traffic, it has nothing to do with what we have in the bank, whether or not we live near a forest or a lake or a river.
It has everything to do with being ok with what we DO have.
What do we have? Not much
We have medical bills and credicard debt from 100 trips to Fort Worth and hospital/hotel stays.
We have very little in the bank at certain times of the month.
We have a car payment


But we also have each other.
We have a small apartment that we rent but it is shelter from the elements, it is running water and an A/C. It is a home
We have a car that gets us anywhere we need to be
We have a healthy, beautiful, amazing son
We have a deep connecting love as a married couple.
We have a support system
We have jobs and we get a pay check
We have Sweet Alli
We have a sense of humor
We have a relationship with God that grows stronger in our hearts daily
We have laughter
We have quiet nights reading
We have dinners out with my parents
We have holidays and birthday celebrations
We have food in the pantry and freezer
We have intelligence
We have a mutual love for sports
We have beautiful memories.

Why are we happy when we have so little, we dont own a home, we dont even live in a HOUSE? How can we love where we live, its dried up and hot? How is it at ALL possible that we are content with what we have? Its not because we are complacent and fearful of change.
I do not fear change. HA!
The amount of change that has happened in my life in the last 4 years should be proof of that.
I enjoy an adventure as much as anyone, but I am content with my life because I am fullfilled, I enjoy a good routine and comfort. We can alway improve things, but we are happy with what we have now!

Choosing your words

Though I know that there is no malice behind these words, they still sting in a way that I never expected.
I see and hear these words a lot, and I need to explain why they sting.
"Easton has always been cute, but his mouth looks awesome"
"Oh Easton looks SOOO good now that he has healed"
"He is so handsome now"
These are the sort of things people say.
I know! I know that they come from a kind, compassionate place. I know what is meant by these words but, listen to my side.
Our Easton was the most beautiful creature I've ever laid my eyes on. I never saw his cleft. It doesnt define him. He was a gorgeous, incredible creation of God.
There was nothing about him that was flawed. Total perfection from his head to his little toes. He was wondefully and beautifully made!
Having to change his appearance to improve his quality of life was and still is the hardest thing that we have ever had to do. Knowing that we were changing the mouth that God made for him, still breaks my heart. Never getting to see that original smile again. That God given, beautiful, big smile.
We did these surgeries because we love him, and we want him to live a life with the highest quality as possible.
NEVER was he "fixed" or "repaired" just because the surgery is called a repair, he was never broken.
His mouth has always been exceptionally beautiful.
Yes, he has healed well, our surgeon does outstanding work, and we are very proud.
But he was every bit as handsome BEFORE his surgeries as he is now.
Am I beings sensitive? Sure. But I have every right to be, dont you think?

Easton is 1!

I can't believe Im writing this! Easton is 1 year old! WOW what a year it has been!

But we all know what has happened in the last 12 months, so I will just talk about his birthday!

We spent his actual birthday driving to Fort Worth. We stopped at Cracker Barrel, his favorite place, to eat supper, but he was cranky, so he didnt enjoy it! haha!

But When we got home we had a party at Kiwanis Park here in Midland.
Lots of people came, Easton got SO many presents and we had a great time!

 Easton and Emily swinging!

 We love our KK!

We are so very very blessed with so many friends and family who came to celebrate Eastons birthday with us. And we do have so much to celebrate.

A year ago, we didnt know what our future held, after a very stressful pregnancy, and a lot of unknowns, the first few months of Eastons life were not easy. We battled weight gain, and reflux, feeding, formula whoas etc....Then began the ear infection, sinus infection, flu, RSV, Strep throat, any other upper respiratory sickness you can imagine saga.

But through all of that, we learned SO much, and we gained so much, and learned just how incredibly blessed we are.

We have had two surgeries in the last 6 months of this first year, and because of those, as hard as it was, we are stronger for it. God has shown us how incredibly strong and resiliant Easton is, and how strong we are as parents.

I give all the glory to God! For without his grace, and our faith that things WOULD be ok, we migth not have made it through this first year.

The main thing I have learned, or gained since the day we brought Easton in to this world, is I think I truly understand the kind of Love God has for us. I thought i understood it, but until I held this precious, beautiful, perfect child in my arms for the first time and felt the love for my child, I didnt REALLY understand it. Now I do.

So Year one is behind us and year two is upon us! :) I can't wait to see what God has in store for us this year! :)

Surgery #2

March 3, 2013 Luke, Easton and I travelled to Fort Worth. We had a heck of a time getting out of town, we got up and started getting ready, Easton had fruit cocktail for breakfast and was a MESS so we put him in the bathtub.
Meanwhile Luke took Alli to stay at my brothers house so she could play with her cousin Razz while we were gone ;)
I was packing and Luke was loading the car when he went in to check  on Easton (the bathroom is like 5 ft from our bedroom and I have a clear view of the tub from our room) he was playing, Luke went to rinse him off and, oops! He had pooped in the tub.
SO we got him out, luke cleaned out the mess while I took the toys to the sink in the kitchen to soak in bleach water then drained the tub and cleaned it. Once that was clean we put Easton BACK in and washed him really quickly.
He had a vague smell of vinegar after that (thats what I cleaned with lol)
Finally we got in the car, went to gas up and run through a car wash, when ALL the car washes near by were either closed or broken.
So, mud covered car and all we headed out of town.
We stopped in Abilene and had lunch at Cracker Barrel where Easton was a celebrity! People just love him, and he LOVES the attention.
He also had his first bites of apple dumplin & ice cream, not a bad day!
Once we got to the hotel we just ate at IHOP, right at the hotel and went to bed.
March 4, 2013
We had a Pre-op appointment with the ENT who would be placing Eastons tubes during the palate closure.
That appointment took all of 10 minutes, took us longer to find the place than it did to see the Dr.
He explained what wold happen and then we had the rest of the day to play. We went to Half priced books, (2 different ones actually lol) and Target and did some shopping.
Mom and Dad came in that afternoon and we all had dinner at applebees.

March 5, 2013
Luke and I didnt sleep much that night, probably 4 hours total between the two of us. We got up at 11:30 to try and get Easton to drink some formula before the cut off, but he refused it. at 3:00 I gave him some pedialyte and he sucked it down and went back to sleep. Luke and I got up and got ready arount 4:30 and at 5:40 we were heading to the hospital.
Easton was such a happy camper that morning.
There was a bad wreck on the Interstate on our way, a man was ejected and traffic was beginning to bvack up. Thankfully we got through and were not late.
At 6:00 AM we were the first to use the Valet parking at Cooks Childrens. We checked in, paid and went up to Surgery.
They took us back, Talked to the nurses and anesthesiologist. Easton sounded a little junky so we did a breathing treatment on him, which cleared it up and we were cleared for surgery. Dr. Hubli came in and explained what he would be doing, it all made sense, and before I knew it I was watching my baby be wheeled away, smiling and happy, on a gurney.

about 40 minutes later the nurse called and told me that he was happy, had gone to sleep well and that surgery had just begun, they expected about an hour and 1/2.

around 9:00 the ENT came out and told us tubes went in, there was a LOT of fluid in his ears and that everything looked good. About 20 min after that Dr Hubli came out, said he was the perfect case, everything went super smooth and he was extremely pleased.
So we waited

about 10:40 the Recovery nurse called and told me it woul dbe about another hour, that it would be a good time to go get some lunch.
So we did.
After we ate Mom and I went in to the Build a Bear workshop to make him a gift, while we were in there, the nurse called for us (15 minutes earlier than expected)
So Luke and I rushed back upstairs and they let us go back in to recovery.
We stayed in there with Easton until 7:00 PM.

Easton was a little swollen, his tongue was hanging out, he had a big black stitch in his tongue. He had a lot of dried blood in one ear, around his mouth and under his nose. He was on oxygen.

FInally they  moved us to the PICU.One night in that place and I pray that I never ever  have to experience it again, nor do any of you reading. Its a rough place.  We were in a corner, open bay, room with sheets on either side seperateing  us from two other PICU patients. One, a very teeny new born on a respiratory  isolation, and the other a VERY bratty 13 year old boy who was just finding out  he was diabetic and they were monitoring his blood sugar every hour.There  would be no sleep. Easton would not let us put him down, so we watched every  movie available to us, and took turns taking 20 minute cat naps. At one point a  nurse came and held him so we could both lay down, we got about an hour of sleep  then. Easton was hooked up to pulse monitors, heart monitors, stomach  monitors, breathing monitors, IV in his hand, had No-Nos on and for a was  receiving oxygen through a cannula.The nurses in the PICU are amazing, they  really are, but I do not envy them at all.Easton received Loratab every 4  hours and morphine in between. He was also getting breathing treatments every 4  hours. While in the PICU we consulted with a Pulmonary SPecialist (supposed  to be one of the best in the business) who we will see again in a few months.  She did not diagnose E with asthma but said he sounds like he could have it, we  will give steroid treatments as a preventative from  now on.Remember that  lunch we had at 10:40 on March 5? Thank goodness for that, because we wouldnt  eat again for 24 hours. No food is allowed in the PICU and only bottled  drinks. I refused to leave the "room" other than an occasional bathroom break. I  did send Luke to get us a drink and he ahd some crackers while he was  gone.around 10:00 AM we were transferred to a private room on the regular  floor. Ive never been so glad in my LIFE to be in a hospital room. In there we  had a shower and walls! :)Easton got to ride up to the 4th floor in a wagon,  which he thought was really cool.He did pretty good most of the day.  Luke  and I got some food and showered and we were doing better at that point too. He  still wouldnt let us put him down.Most of the monitors came off at this  point too and he was more awake.Easton would not drink anything. His sippy  cup freaked him out, and anytime youc ame near him with a syringe he would  thrash. Around 8PM the nurse suggested we try jello. SUCCESS!

he LOVED it! But that would be it for about 12 hours.
Around 10PM his IV came out, they came and I carried him down the hall where they attempted to put a new one in three times.
This was the single most painful experience of my life.
He was SCREAMING, I was trying to hold him, along with 2 other nurses, he would just look at me with this horrifying look.
They were not successful and we went back to the room. he fell asleep so hard he did let me put hiim down for a while this time. They decided that he didnt need the IV any longer, so we really had to push the fluids. after being off IV fluids about 8 hours he was thirsty and we got about 4 oz of formula in him (The surgeons PA was int he room when we were doing this, so this REALLY helped our case)
THe morning shift change brought in Fay, the new nurse, and boy was she a character. She was a contract nurse from New Orleans, and she was WILD. She had WILD  and big hair, she danced and sang and had a lot of opinions and Easton LOVED her.
It was March 7, and we got to go home.


We went back to the hotel and spent the night there, where we slept (only getting up once for about an hour with Easton) almost 10 hours.

Came home on Friday and here we are.

It is Sunday, march 10, 2013 and He is teething, has thrush and just had oral surgery. He is miserable and uncomfortable. He acts scared when he wakes up in his bed and wants to be held.
But he is eating well. The thrush seems to be the biggest problem tonight, you can hear it in his hoarse voice.

This has been a rough week. One that we will never forget, and that I am so glad is behind us.

Im writing this because I wanted to document it before I forget some of the details and I wanted to share with whoever is reading what the experience was like.

What can you do?

Eastons next surgery "The Big One", is on March 5, as long as he is healthy and well.
On March 3 we will drive to Ft Worth, the 4th we will have pre--op with the ENT who will place tubes during the procedure, then early on the 5th we will check in to the hospital.

This is a very stressful time for us. We have less than two weeks to get Easton used to a sipp cup, and off his bottle, we have less than 2 weeks to prepare ourselves to hand our baby boy over to someone else, we have less than two weeks until we put our child through major surgery.
TWO WEEKS.

Please respect us, and try to understand if we are not all that friendly or available for a while. We are dealing with a lot of emotions right now that are hard to understand, and I can't even find the right words to vocalize them.

What can you do? we get this a lot.
Pray for us, pray for Easton and his healing, pray for the medical staff at Cooks. Pray for our strength and mental stability through all of this.

This is not "just another surgery", this is major surgery, this is handing our child to virtual strangers and entrusting them with his life. This is a lifestyle change. This is changing the way he eats, swallows, drinks, talks.
This is potentially the end to chronic ear infections and pain. This is potentially the end to constant antibiotics, breathing treatments and sickness.

Say a lot of prayers for all of this.
When we do get home, if you still want to help, continue to pray, and we probably wouldnt decline a meal brought to us :) haha but we dont want or need a lot of visitors.

The hospital is exhausting, we will not sleep, we will hold our baby and watch him for complications, we will call nurses and ask for meds, we might have a minute to eat, we will not leave his side, we will work to get him eating well, and drinking, our focus is totally and completely on him. When he is well and back to himself, it will be time to plan a birthday party and we are going to to it up big time for him and for everyone.

Most importantly we want everything to be as familiar to him as possible. He doesnt understand why he feels weird, hurts, etc....We need everything to be as normal as possible so not to cause even more confusion. More people around than normal could cause more stress.
We want a peaceful, quiet envrionment for him to heal in so that he can come back to himself sooner so that everyone can enjoy him as his usual happy, silly self.

Birthday party, pre-planning will be happening April 6. It all depends on him, how he feels, how he has healed, if he can eat etc....so nothing is set in stone.

D-Day

Well we got the date for the big surgery.

March 5

MUCH earlier than I was prepared for. We have TWO weeks to keep Eastons lungs clear and Ears infection free. TWO weeks for him to go to a sippy cup exclusively. TWO weeks to prepare to see my baby in pain and confused, again.

I was prepared for a date late in March. Late in March or early April was going to give us a chance to celebrate his birthday early, and in a big way, while he is happy and can enjoy it. Now I can't plan anything because its a wait and see game.

He could come through like a champ, and two weeks later be eating and feeling good. And thats what I pray for.

In the mean time the unknown scares me to death.

Dr told us that 12-24 hours in the ICU is not uncommon after this surgery, depending on his breathing etc....to plan for 48 hours in the hospital, although if all is perfect only one night.


God give me strength. Give me peace. Give me the ability to trust these strangers with my baby.
Amen

Overwhelmed

Tomorrow Luke, Easton and I will travel to Fort Worth for a 4 month follow up after Eastons lip repair surgery and we will discuss the next surgery.

In the next week we will find out the date of the palate repair procedure.

To say I am terrified would be an understatement. Anxious, nervous, scared, and totally and completely overwhelmed.

Im not ready to do this again. Im not ready to hand my baby over to these strangers and trust that they will keep him safe while they force foreign objects in to his body and cut and tie and suture. Im not ready for this.

I get so comfortable with how our life is now, I push the fact that this journey is far from over, waaaay to the back caves of my mind and I forget, that anywhere from in the next 30-90 days I will have to do that, again.

I foolishly thought that my anxiety would be less this time. Just thinking about it scares me.

Why my child? These questions come up again and again.

Why does MY baby have to go through this?
Why can't MY baby just be a normal baby? He IS a normal baby! A normal baby who is missing some tissue in the roof of his mouth, that is all! He can eat! He can drink! WHY do I have to hand my sweet, happy boy over to these strangers and when he comes back to me is will be confused and look at me with that horrible, sad, confused "why?!" look.

I can't take it! I get ANGRY. He LOVES his bottle, WHY does he have to give it up and go to a sippy that he doesnt love? He loved his pacifier, but I had to take it away months before I would have any other baby. Why, right here at his 1st birthday, am I so unbelievably terrified that instead of spending his birthday with us, having fun, that we might be in a hospital and I will forever have the memory of his first birthday being one of the most terrifying days of my life, because that day I had to hand him over?

Ugh.

You have also given me the shield of your salvation: and your right hand has held me up, and your gentleness has made me great.
Psalm 18:35

Lord please give me strength. Give me knowledge. Shield me from my anger. Take it from me and help me to let it go! Lord please, please help me to be strong for my baby. For my family.

Please watch over our sweet happy boy. Please watch over the medical staff that will be peforming these procedure give them calm minds and steady hands.

Please help us get through over this hill...for we know we have many others to climb!

Amen

The Big Picture

I read something this morning that inspired me to tell a story.
We all know I tend to ramble, and my writing is never organized so bare with me, if you're reading ;)

When I was in 3rd grade, it was my first year in GT(Gifted-Talented) class. I was chubby, just got big dorky glasses, was in a classroom with the "Smart" kids, who had been in the same class together since 1st grade, I was an outcast, as I was just as smart as the other kids, I wasn't quite up to where most of them were either. I was a nervous wreck. I threw up probably 2-3 times a month in class (from nerves) and was sent home. Everytime I'd get home and was perfectly fine, and no I still dont know how to make myself throw up :)
I didnt understand long division. We had a long division competition and I was so terrified of being the only kid in class who didnt get it, my Daddy stayed up late with me, and on the chalk board in my bedroom, worked with me until I undertood enough to get through the competition.
I didnt have any friends in that class really, we went on school field trips a lot, and my Mom was really sick that year and never was able to go and I never had any friends to talk to or sit ont he bus with.
I remember one kid kicked a soccer ball at me and it hit me in the head and as the teacher took me to the school nurse a couple of boys laughed.
I remember being the only kid in that class who did not get the "Exceptional" rating on the TAAS test, every kid in my class was called on stage, during an all school assembly, to get their "Exceptional" ribbons, and my Teacher moving to sit next to me, so that I wasnt all by myself on the row of chairs in the auditorium.
Well one weekend a girl in class, a "popular" girl, was having a slumber party. I was so excited, I think for once I felt like I was part of the group. Mom let me pick out new pajama's (Beauty & the beast I believe), we were all invited a week in advance. That friday morning, the girls Mom brought her in to class and as I walked up she (the mom) told me that the party was cancelled. Ok, no big deal. I went home after school and around supper time a girl who was my friend called and asked why I was not there.
The party had not, in fact, been cancelled. I had just been uninvited. Not by the girl, directly (Although I am sure she is the one who said she didnt want me there) but by the MOTHER.
Now I am sure, there was at least one other little girl that I remember in that class that was a bit of an outcast, and she was my friend, we spent the night with each other occasionally. And I wish My mom and I had thought to call her that night. I was devastated and embarressed, but what I remember most was my mom. She took me to the store (Alco haha) and let me pick out a game, we watched a movie, ate popcorn and played the game (I can see the game it has a caterpillar, though I can't recall the name or premise) and it was a fun night, despite my devastation.
I got through that year, I was probably known to many as the fat girl who puked a lot. (ha!)
But I got through, made all A's and the next year was better. . It was NOT a fun year at all, I was unhappy in school all year. And it wasnt the last time I was bullied or the last time people were mean to me. In fact in 5th grade I spent the year trying to run from a very mean girl.  But it never brought me down. I stayed happy, I stayed talkative, I still laughed and played and did the best I could in school.

It was a defining moment in my life, but not in a negative way. It showed me, maybe for the first time in my 8 years, that not everyone is nice and not everyone will like me.  I never did anything mean to that girl or her Mom to make them not like me, they just didnt. And that is ok.
Sometimes I still struggle with why people dont like me, or are not nice to me, (Of my family etc...) but I know deep down, they dont have to, and if I need to, I can go have my Mama reassure me that I am perfect, in her eyes and in God's eyes, and now my husband and baby boys eyes too :)

Baby Needs

Im not far removed from bringing a brand new baby home for the first time, but I am already beginning to forget so many things!
I thought, as a favor to myself for future reference, I would make a list of things that (I can remember) we needed, used a lot of or had and did NOT use, etc....when we first brought Easton home.
This will probably be an always changing list, as I know I'll think of other things later...

Did NOT use:

Swaddle blankets, Easton HATED to be swaddled.
Receiving blankets, we basically only used (and still use) these as spit up rags, never to wrap E up
Plain white onesies, I could have seen us using them if we lived in a colder area or if he was born in the middle of the winter, as undershirts
Shoes
Sleep Sacks
little gloves to keep from scratching
Mesh feeder (used twice)
Paci clips, never used them
Baby carrier (Wear baby)

Used, needed more, loved:

Footed PJ's
Socks
Boppy
Boppy cover
spit up rags (Cloth diapers)
Bath stuff (Sleepy time)
Bath sling
Paci
Hooded Towels
Baby wash cloths
baby hair brush
Bulb syringe from Hospital (Big one)

2012

As 2012 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on the last 12 months and all that we have been through!

Last year on Christmas I was 5 months pregnant, at this point we did know Easton was a boy, would be born with a cleft and were scared of what other issues he might also be born with...
And we had our first ever White Christmas!

As 2012 began I was at the Doctor's office a LOT, We met with Eastons Cleft surgeon, we had some more intensive tests done and found out Easton would be ok :), I had a baby shower thrown for me by my wonderful friends and family and continued to prepare for Easton's arrival!

In February our Great-Niece was born, and boy has she changed our whole family! What a little doll she is, a ball of fire!

We love her so much and I am so excited for her and Easton to grow up together



On March 19 we celebrated our first anniversary! The plan was to stay in, I made a roast with all of the fixin's and when I got home that afternoon, something happened, the crock pot was turned off and the roast was only 1/2 cooked. So I cried (remember I was 37 weeks pregnant lol) and we decided to go out to eat instead, I think we ended up at Carino's! ha! We had the roast and big dinner at home the next night! Luke brought home roses, a card and a pretty ring, I made him a scrap book of our first year together and we came home to a beautiful floral arrangement and sweet card from my wonderful parents!

On April 4 our lives forever changed when we walked in to L&D and at 12:00 I walked in to the OR for a scheduled C-Section.

At 12:40 PM on Wednesday April 4, 2012 an 8lb 15 oz, 20" long Easton Landry was brought in to our world, screaming, healthy and NOT at all happy to be here lol









Since that day we have had a lot of ups and downs, I struggled to heal from my CSection, Easton struggled to gain weight, figured out he had reflux pretty bad, got that fixed, Easton met all of the important people in our lives, Luke worked two jobs for a while, then started a whole new career, we moved twice, Easton gained weight, we went to have his first sugery and were sent home because he had brochitis, two months and 4 reschedules later he finally had that surgery. We have had Dr's appointments, ear infections, Reactive Airway Disease, Breathing treatments, I struggled a bit with post partum depression, we have been poorer than poor and then recovered from that, we've been sick, we've been healthy, we've visited with family, we have been stressed, we've had a lot of firsts, a lot of long nights, and lot of short days, tears of frustration and tears of joy.

We took Easton to the zoo for the first time, First Easter, First play date, his first Halloween Costume, his first Christmas, his first parade, his first football game...

Its been an incredible year of ups and downs, and most importantly one of incredible blessings. There is a lot of unknown coming in 2013, but after the year we have had, I know we can do it! We are a family and we are strong and we have God at the center of our life, so we can do this!

Bring it on 2013!