Overwhelmed

Tomorrow Luke, Easton and I will travel to Fort Worth for a 4 month follow up after Eastons lip repair surgery and we will discuss the next surgery.

In the next week we will find out the date of the palate repair procedure.

To say I am terrified would be an understatement. Anxious, nervous, scared, and totally and completely overwhelmed.

Im not ready to do this again. Im not ready to hand my baby over to these strangers and trust that they will keep him safe while they force foreign objects in to his body and cut and tie and suture. Im not ready for this.

I get so comfortable with how our life is now, I push the fact that this journey is far from over, waaaay to the back caves of my mind and I forget, that anywhere from in the next 30-90 days I will have to do that, again.

I foolishly thought that my anxiety would be less this time. Just thinking about it scares me.

Why my child? These questions come up again and again.

Why does MY baby have to go through this?
Why can't MY baby just be a normal baby? He IS a normal baby! A normal baby who is missing some tissue in the roof of his mouth, that is all! He can eat! He can drink! WHY do I have to hand my sweet, happy boy over to these strangers and when he comes back to me is will be confused and look at me with that horrible, sad, confused "why?!" look.

I can't take it! I get ANGRY. He LOVES his bottle, WHY does he have to give it up and go to a sippy that he doesnt love? He loved his pacifier, but I had to take it away months before I would have any other baby. Why, right here at his 1st birthday, am I so unbelievably terrified that instead of spending his birthday with us, having fun, that we might be in a hospital and I will forever have the memory of his first birthday being one of the most terrifying days of my life, because that day I had to hand him over?

Ugh.

You have also given me the shield of your salvation: and your right hand has held me up, and your gentleness has made me great.
Psalm 18:35

Lord please give me strength. Give me knowledge. Shield me from my anger. Take it from me and help me to let it go! Lord please, please help me to be strong for my baby. For my family.

Please watch over our sweet happy boy. Please watch over the medical staff that will be peforming these procedure give them calm minds and steady hands.

Please help us get through over this hill...for we know we have many others to climb!

Amen